Thursday, January 3, 2019

New Year's Resolutions?

Artist unknown
I can't say I really do New Year's resolutions anymore. 

It's not that I think I'm perfect; I'm well aware of my flaws. I've just had a steady drive to be better, to be more than I was, for several years, now. In all honesty, I've had that drive most of my adult life.

I guess it's the last couple of years of challenges, one after the other, which have helped me to become refocused on what's important to me. 

Someone once told me that human beings only change when the pain is so great they have no other choice. If everything's going along swimmingly, there's not a real drive to change, because why fix it if it ain't broke, right? Except I've never really been comfortable enough with myself to stop wanting to change, to stop wanting to be a better human being.

These last couple of years have put that to the test. Even so, I think and feel as though I'm making some significant strides forward. I've gone back to my practice of daily meditation, and it's making a difference. I've been more careful (with the exception of the holidays. And haunt conventions.) of what I put into my body and my mind. I'm working on being more consistent with my exercise.

I think the most significant change on which I've been putting my attention is how I think, or more specifically, what I think.

In the past - especially since Mr. ShellHawk took off and started divorce proceedings - I've struggled with thinking more about what's wrong than about what's right. 2017 and the beginning of 2018 saw me sunk into that mindset, and it wasn't comfortable. I felt like crap, all the time. Granted, that was the time when people were coming forward and telling me about all the things which had been going on under my nose, and it was crushing to contemplate. Other connections were made and bank and credit card statements revealed even more the farce that had been my marriage, of how far the betrayal went.

I have an "excuse" for thinking dark thoughts.

But then I started to make the decision to turn my thoughts to other things, and life started to get better. I got work with a spectacular boss, a new car, found a pottery studio to go to so I could get my hands back in clay. I started to feel more playful and willing to experiment with my art. I started to redefine what was truly important to me. 

This year, I feel more like myself, but better. Wiser. More compassionate. More willing and able to experience life with some confidence. 

There will be some adventures. Some new plans. Some pleasant surprises. Connections made at just the right time. And more "right place right time" happenings than I've ever had before.

But no resolutions, except, perhaps, to live life with as much grace and courage as one woman can.

2 comments:

  1. Good thoughts.
    I have always thought of my birthday as the time to start a new life cycle. It’s in April (SPRING!) whereas winter feels like the end of something with lots of celebrations to drive winter away!

    ReplyDelete

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