New Year's Day: The Ruminations

 

New Year's, as you've no doubt noticed by the onslaught of weight-loss commercials and ads for personal fitness centers, is a time of resolutions. While there's something to be said for the shiny, clean slate of a New Year -- and believe me, saying goodbye to an old, hard year is certainly something I've done and will do again -- this year, the ball drop didn't bring the sense of renewal it has in the past.

This year, I've been overtaken by a sort of existential restlessness. My mind won't stay peaceful for more than a few minutes at a time. I can't focus on the book I'm reading for long, because I soon get lost in thought, though my eyes are scanning the pages in front of me. (I often read the same page several times over, just to be sure I didn't read it the first ten times.) Things in my private life have been contributing to this sensation, but I'm not ready to share that now, if ever.

I have something best described as anxiety. I can tell, because of the tightness in my chest. And the fact that both my dogs are clinging to my side and looking at me as if to say, "It's o.k. We got you!"

My head is full of noise. Just when I want to give my best to my art, to give a gift of love from my heart to my customers. *sigh*

The sense of things unfinished, of goals unreached, is strong. Why did I not accomplish some of the simpler resolutions of 2015? Why am I not more poised? More polite, in the true, old-school way of things? Why can I not be dignified? More graceful and less of a klutz? Quieter, not so dang loud all the time?

Why can I not be more like Judi Dench?

What is wrong with me?

I know many of you have felt the same, and feel the same. (Although maybe not the part about Judi Dench...)

There's just so much room for improvement. As a potter, a sculptor, a human being, a spiritual person. Sometimes -- times like now -- the prospect is so daunting. How can I be better? Deal with life more constructively, instead of being reactive in the way I always was?When will I ever be "good enough?" 

Probably never, right? At least in the harsh confines of my own mind, just like you in yours. *sigh*

The thing is, though, when I take a breath, I realize that I have improved over the past year. I know that I'm "in process," that the journey is the goal, as Pema Chodron says. I know that no matter how badly I've screwed something up, I'm not a lost cause.

Because the journey is the goal.

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Fortunately, there's retail therapy, paired with Christmas money. It's a nice distraction from the real issues, whatever they may be. (I know I'm not supposed to distract myself from the real issues, but hey, I already said I'm not perfect!)

Pottery and sculpture can be hard on tools. It can also be difficult to determine what tool might be the right one for your particular throwing or sculpting style. Sometimes you need to play around with different shapes and materials to shape your art, just to see what works best for you and your needs. Lucky me, I found Troy Bungart Studios, also known as Burlchaser on Etsy.

Troy is both a potter and a woodworker, which gives him a unique perspective on a potter's needs in the tool department. And can I just tell you, these tools are so very well made?

Each of his tools is a work of art, a privilege to use. Just looking at them inspires me! He utilizes different kinds of wood for each, as you can tell from the picture below.

Some of my Christmas Money Bounty. Pic taken on my wedging table.

 I once bought one of his ribs as a gift for my pottery/sculpture sensei, who, when asked if he had used it yet, said, "It's too beautiful!" and still has it on his desk, to be admired. (I bought him another pair of tools, plus some beeswax and mineral oil to care for them, but don't tell!)

I'm very much looking forward to making some bowls and platters with these new ribs. I'm kicking around how much "regular," functional ware I'm going to make this year, versus how much Hallowe'en stuff I'll need for the shows I want to do. 

So far (knock wood), I haven't had to go in for any surgeries which would keep me out of the studio like they did for the past couple of years, so I think I can at least tentatively make a plan and a schedule. 

If there are any potters reading this blog, I'd be interested in how you go about laying out your schedules for the year! I could use some ideas!

I started playing around with wine cups, again, just to get my hand back into the rhythm of throwing. I've been off my wheel for a bit since I was gone for the holidays, and it helps to have a "warm up" form. I'm also playing with stamping the forms (like Gary Jackson) to add some texture and fun. You can see a couple of them at the back of the above photo. (I thought I had a better shot, but I don't.) I can see why Gary likes his stamps so much; they're really, really fun to work with! I'll post more about that soon.

More adventures, soon! Meanwhile, from me to you, have a happy, healthy, wealthy and prosperous 2016!

Dreamer

Over the years, I've had to admit that I'm a dreamer. I blame my reading habits. And my movie habits, too come to think of it...

For instance, every time I read Sunshine, by Robin McKinley, I dream of becoming a baker (in addition to being a very special kind of heroine, who always does the right thing at the right time.), getting up early every morning and creating incredibly addicting confections for an adoring crowd of regulars. Hey, I like baking, so why not, right?

Of course, reading her books The Blue Sword and The Hero and the Crown make me want to be the plucky heroine who winds up saving--and subsequently wisely ruling--her country. But I digress...

War for the Oaks makes me want to go back to my 80s years to play guitar and be the lead singer in a band. Dealing with the Queen of Air and Darkness would be a bonus. Of course, it also feeds into my Jessica Rabbit fantasy of becoming an incredibly well-drawn torch singer. (P.S. I am also considering a career as a Ninja, klutziness notwithstanding.)

I know you have some of these fantasies, too. Admit it!

Yesterday, I watched a documentary on Amazon, called, Advanced Style. It's about a group of over-60 women living in New York who still have an incredible sense of style, completely ignoring the youth-worship of American fashion magazines.

Ari Seth Cohen had started the concept of Advanced Style as a blog, but it eventually became a book and the documentary, both of the same name.

Of course, it makes me want to become an elderly fashion maven.

Yes, a few of the women are a bit nutty, but they still hold a certain amount of grace and class. They remind me a bit of my heroine, Beatrice Wood. They've hit that age where their hormones are no longer enslaving them, their children don't need them so much, and they pretty much no longer care what people think of them. They've hit that magical age, when women can be unapologetically themselves.

Speaking of which, I've recently realized (again) that I am not the person I wish to be. That I need to make some changes-and I want to make them. I used to have far more of a spiritual practice than I do now, and I felt a little bit more balanced when I did. If you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, you'll recognize balance as my main challenge. 

I tend to be a person whose speeds are "full-throttle" and "off." Not a whole lot of in-betweens.

So I picked up a set of CDs to help myself along.

Pema Chodron is a Buddhist nun, older, and with a great sense of humor. She's definitely seen a lot of life, and since she's American, she has an ability to connect with Westerners' daily life challenges and put them in a larger perspective. I'm looking forward to listening to these talks over and over again.

Maybe we can call it an early New Year's Resolution.