Halloween Humor from Dave Barry

Maybe you're like me and have no effing clue who Dave Barry is because you're too busy in your garage, finishing props. Appparently, he's a funny guy who also likes Halloween.

My friend of many years, Dorothy Segovia, sent me a little Halloween care package with some kind words about my passion for props and art. She also sent me several fun Hallows-related comments from Dave Barry. (The pic above was her greeting card. I wish I could give credit for it, but I was unable to locate the image on the web. If you know who did it, please let me know and send me a link to it...)

Anyway, here's some of Dave's Halloween wisdom...

On The National Safety Council's Website, you parents will find thirty tips for parents to ensure that your children have a safe Halloween. For your convenience, Uncle Dave has boiled these tips down to five:

1) Never allow your children outside on Halloween night.

2) Or in the daytime, either.

3) Your children should spend Halloween locked inside a windowless room, sedated, and wrapped from head to toe in reflective tape.

4) If, God forbid, some neighbor, somehow, manages to actually give one of your children a treat, you must immediately snatch it away and destroy it with a flamethrower.

5) Never use a flamethrower while sleeping.

Carving the pumpkin is a Halloween tradition that began in the British Isles, where one magical night several centuries ago, a group of people decided to put a lit candle inside a hollowed-out pumpkin, to symbolize the fact that they had been hitting the sauce pretty hard. Today, pumpkin-carving is an activity the whole family can enjoy, except for Dad, who gets stuck with the job of actually carving the pumpkin, which means he has to stick his hand inside and grasp the pumpkin slime, knowing that at any moment he might encounter the North American Gourd-Dwelling Scorpion, whose toxic sting claims more American lives each year than cellular phones and asteroids combined.

"You kids have fun, and be home by Thanksgiving!" our parents would call to us on Halloween night, as we staggered out the front door, weighed down by hundreds of pounds of concealed vandalism supplies, including enough raw eggs to feed Somalia for decades. By morning, thanks to our efforts, the entire neighborhood would be covered with a layer of congealed shaving cream and toilet paper that, around certain unpopular neighbors' homes, was hundreds of feet thick. This is how the Appalachian Mountains were formed.

Gather 'round, boys and girls, because today Uncle Dave is going to tell you haw to have some real "old-fashioned" Halloween fun! Start by gathering these materials: A commercial air compressor, an acetylene torch, a marine flare gun, and 200 pounds of boiled pig brains. Next, select a neighbor who... Whoops! Scratch that, boys and girls! Uncle Dave did not realize that your parents were also reading this. Ha ha! Hi there, Mom and Dad! Uncle Dave was just having a flashback to the Halloweens of his boyhood, an innocent time when parents were far more relaxed and clueless about what their kids were up to.

Remember that everything in italics is actually meant as sarcasm or, possibly, a joke, and in no way should be taken seriously. Especially the flamethrower part.